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Archive for February 1st, 2012

My husband and I visited Spain this past Christmas.  I studied abroad there for six months as a college student, so it was a return trip for me, but it was the first time he had been to Europe.  I thought I would share some of the gems that I have been asked by Spanish people:
(1)  You are American?  How many guns do you own? I actually despise guns, but I have exceptional aim.  True story.

(2) You are American?  Is it true that every American has 3 cars? I didn’t own a car until I was 23, but I’m still defensive about this issue.  Spain is so compact – no one has a yard.  America is so sprawling and our public transportation system sucks.  Do I wish we had better public transportation?  Yes.  Do I wish we were more compact and didn’t have yards?  No.

(3) Have you been to New Jersey? Yes.  It’s just like the Sopranos.  It will fulfill all of your wildest dreams.

(4) Why do Americans hate the Spanish? We don’t.  We hate the French.  We find Canada amusing.  We can’t even find you on a map.

(5) Why are Americans such imperialists? I mean – if this is about the Spanish-American War (1898 for my American readers) we are really sorry that we took away your last colony and caused your nation to experience an existential crisis. 

(6) Why are Americans such imperialists?  Listen, it was a long time ago and I don’t even think my ancestors participated in that war.  

(7) Why are Americans such imperialists who always interfere with other countries like that one time when they deprived us of Cuba?  Damnit, the Monroe Doctrine gave you fair warning!  Shut the hell up.

(8) Is it true that not every American has health care? Yes, I’m ashamed to say it is.  But it’s much easier to give everyone in Spain health care than it is to give everyone in America health care.  Spain is about the size of Kentucky.  If we cared tremendously, I’m pretty sure we could give everyone in Kentucky health care, too.  But I hope the next time I’m in Spain this will be a moot point and I won’t have to be embarrassed anymore.

(9) Why are Americans so materialistic? The answer to that question doesn’t matter.  We have always made superior music, and that entitles us to just about any other vice.  Are you an American and feeling bad about your country’s foreign policy while you sojourn in another country?  Crank up the American music and feel good about your heritage.

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