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Posts Tagged ‘jazzercise’

I started taking jazzercise classes last week because I’m really old.  Just kidding – I’m actually taking jazzercise because there’s a class right next to my building and I never exercise because when I get home I’m too lazy to go anywhere.  I figured I could head this problem off at the pass if I just work out before I even go home, hence this excursion into 1980’s fitness fads.

I’m not sure if you’ve ever done jazzercise before, but it involves a lot of bouncing up and down from mats on the floor to skipping around upright like some crazed squirrel on meth.  Sometimes you switch between the two poses rapidly, until just hoisting the weight of your own body on and off of the floor is exhausting after so many reps.  Needless to say my legs are killing me.

I went to jazzercise last Thursday night, and then on Friday I went to mass to commemorate Jesus’s crucifixion.  It seemed like a good idea at the time….I’m not Catholic, so I haven’t been to all of the Catholic services yet.  I had done Palm Sunday and Holy Saturday (Easter Vigil) at a Catholic church, but I had always done Good Friday at Protestant churches.  If you’re a Catholic you already know the punchline to this story.

Apparently, good Friday is a penitential aerobic work-out.  It involves about 30 minutes of reading from the gospel story of Jesus’s entrance into Jerusalem, the last supper, his arrest and trial, and the crucifixion, and all of this is done standing (since you always stand out of respect during the gospel readings).  Then you kneel for about an hour while lots of esoteric ritual goes on, which mostly involves venerating the cross and being grateful to Jesus for suffering so we could have grace.

At this point if you’ve been to jazzercise, your legs are probably in agony, but the best part is at the end of the service, when the whole church prays for 10 specific intentions like world peace, wisdom for world leaders, and people in crisis to have comfort.  This involves the priest saying a prayer and then chanting, “All kneel.”  Everyone drops to their knees for one minute and prays silently, and then bounces back up to their feet.  The priest prays for the next intention and then chants, “All kneel,” and everyone goes down again.  This goes on and on and on until you’ve done it 10 times just like a rep in jazzercise and you want to cry.  But then you feel bad because Jesus died on the cross for your sins, damnit, and he suffered a lot more on this day than you did and the least you can do is kneel and pray for the people who need comfort, you selfish wretch.

There is some kind of unholy alliance between the people who choreograph jazzercise classes and the Catholic Church.  Just saying.

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